Sent to me from my Friend Steve Bothke.

Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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My friend Jason is soon going to be a father, so to help him out, we at Guy Thing Blog have this simple primer of many important things a new father should know. Just click the image for the full size.

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Let’s just say, I’m a runner. Most of these are true for me…

You roll your eyes when people talk about low carb diets.

You say you’re going out for a short run and come back two hours later.

You think high 40s/low 50s and overcast sounds like perfect weather.

You get up earlier on weekends than you do during the work week.

You tell your wife you want a marathon entry as a birthday present.

When someone asks you how far you are planning to run, you say “I’m ONLY doing 10 today.

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The men’s group is always joking about my Hispanic heritage, and I with them. These are by no means serious, in fact, I could see myself saying some of these to my men’s group.

Mexican Words of the Day:

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, pero Cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
“Orale vato, when all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom

3. ‘Shoulder’ My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. ‘ TEXAS ‘ My ruca always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. ‘Herpes’
Me and my ruca ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum!
I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
‘One day my abuelita slapped me and I said juarez your problem?’

9. CHICKEN
I was going to go to the store with my wife, pero chicken go herself.

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While Mr. Spurgeon was living at Nightingale Lane, Clapham, an excursion was one day organized by one of the young men’s classes at the Tabernacle. The break with the excursionists was to call for the President on their way to mid-Surrey.

It was a beautiful early morning, and the men arrived in high spirits, pipes and cigars alight, and looking forward to a day of unrestrained enjoyment. Mr. Spurgeon was ready waiting at the gate. He jumped up to the box-seat reserved for him, and looking round with an expression of astonishment, exclaimed: “What, gentlemen! Are you not ashamed to be smoking so early?”

Here was a damper! Dismay was on every face. Pipes and cigars one by one failed and dropped out of sight.
When all had disappeared, out came the President’s cigar-case. He lit up and smoked away serenely.

The men looked at him astonished. “I thought you said you objected to smoking, Mr. Spurgeon?” one ventured.
“Oh no, I did not say I objected. I asked if they were not ashamed, and it appears they were, for they have all put their pipes away.”
Amid laughter the pipes reappeared, and with puffs of smoke the party went on merrily.

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary hospital. As she placed her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry. Your duck has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed,” Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led him out of the room.

A few minutes later, he returned with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry, Miss. If you’d taken my word for it the first time, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.”

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Regardless of where you stand on the issue of U.S. involvement in Iraq,
Here is an interesting statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre
of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.
That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons
for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in
the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

According to current prevailing wisdom (I use the term loosely):
The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

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Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little
nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had
that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I
was born… Couldn’t walk for a year

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Apparently, New Jersey has just issued a warning to its Ringwood residents regarding the hunting of squirrels…. yep, you read right… squirrels. According to the state, the Ringwood area has a toxic waste dump that is right next to a popular hunting ground for squirrels. In recent weeks, researchers found a dead squirrel that was contaminated with lead and they have been deemed a health risk.

Are you laughing yet? Oh, trust me… it gets better.

The Department of Health, along with the Department of Environmental Protection, sent out letters to warn its residents to “eat squirrel no more than twice a week and even less for children and pregnant mothers.” (Yes, eat… as in these people are hunting the radioactive suckers and then deep-fat-frying them.) Some sources are saying that these wildlife are undergoing changes due to the toxic nature of the area and are warning residents that the squirrels are contaminated with lead, and consuming them can cause health defects.

One of the greatest quotes (in my opinion) comes from Myrtle Van Dunk, who stated “we’ve known for a long time something was wrong here, we just didn’t know what it was.” Not sure, Myrtle, but I’d guess that the squirrels shouldn’t be glowing. Heck, maybe what was wrong was that you were EATING squirrels in the first place…

So for those of you planning a trip to New Jersey, take caution… If your squirrel is glowing, has two tails, three heads, and comes pre-nuked, you may want to consider having the Caesar Salad instead…

oh, for those interested, here is a link to one of the articles about this.
http://www.topix.net/content/ap/1182678018278752136308043974640667544681

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